I'll Hold You As Your World Crumbles
by Achilles1011
Summary: Bo is caught in memories, haunted by the ghost's of Kenzi that follow her around in her mind, she keeps turning everything over and over in her head. The pain in her heart overwhelming her and at times she feels like she is downing. But sometimes all it takes is a life line cast to pull someone out, an offer of support and comfort in our darkest hours. Spoilers for 4x13.
1. Chapter 1

For a long time she simply sat and stared at the wall in front of her, the ring that Hale had given Kenzi attached to a chain that she held in her hand. The only reminder that her best friend that she had left.

The only thing that she could hold onto.

She could feel the tears welling up once again as she sat on her bed clutching the pendant to her chest over her heart, as if somehow the strength of it beating could bring Kenzi back to life, as if she could will life force into this pendant and by extension into Kenzi.

She heard a small creak in the house and for a moment she looked up expecting to see Kenzi approaching her room, a smile on her face, wanting to watch a horror movie marathon or to see if she wanted to go to the Dahl.

But there was nothing.

No one was standing in her doorway smiling at her.

No one was asking her to go to the Dahl.

There was no creaking coming from the floor above, no loud music being blasted as the stairs creaked above her as Kenzi danced around.

She knew that if she went upstairs she would see Kenzi's clothing strewed around her half of her loft bedroom, the bed still unmade as if it was going to be occupied that night.

She half expected to hear banging downstairs in the kitchen as Kenzi looked for something edible to feed herself or Tamsin or both. She expected to hear the TV blazing with one of her blasted cartoons or Jungle Jeeves, or maybe the sounds of her video game as Kenzi attempted to save the world from robot zombie hookers.

She expected to hear some sounds in the Crack Shack but it was deathly silent. It was like when she had first moved in, before she had found Kenzi.

It was so different now.

She wasn't used to being alone anymore. She was used to the constant presence in her life that Kenzi had become, the safety and stability of a single house that she represented.

But it was silent. It was so quiet.

She found herself hoping that at any moment Kenzi would come through the front door and tell her that the last months of her life had been a giant practical joke, that they had been a dream. She expected Kenzi to come walking through the door and acting like nothing was wrong, like Bo hadn't just witnessed her death.

She would have throttled Kenzi before she hugged her so tightly and tell her how much she loved her and how much she appreciated her and never let her out of her sight again.

But it wouldn't happen. Kenzi was not coming back, at least she wasn't going to be coming back any time soon.

She was dead.

Her best friend.

Her little sister.

Her confidant.

Her support.

Her heart.

And she was gone, just up and gone in a flash, in the blink of an eye she was gone and unless she could find a way to bring Kenzi back she would stay dead.

And her heart would remain broken and unable to heal because she didn't have it.

Most of it had gone with Kenzi, it had died when she had died.

And the tiny sliver that was left, that was keeping her alive and tied to the Earth was split between so many people, had been shattered and broken so many times.

But that tiny piece was all that was keeping her alive now, that tiny broken fragment was all she had left and if she couldn't find a way to bring Kenzi back it would be all that she would have left of herself.

She wasn't even sure if that tiny broken fragment would ever heal, if it would ever be enough. Because the people that she had trusted it with had broken it again and again, it had been trampled on and broken, fixed again and again by the love of her best friend who had protected so much of her heart and really just her whole being.

Kenzi had been one of her anchors, one of the people who had kept her grounded in her humanity, who reminded her that not all humans would fear her.

Who reminded her of her humanity and of their tenacity and their will and their unconditional love and everything that had been given to her in her first years of life being raised by humans.

Everything that she had to battle on a daily basis to not allow it to slip away.

Life was so fragile wasn't it?

It could be snuffed out in an instant.

A single stab to the chest could cause so much grief and so much pain and anguish, too much for one tiny body, for one fragile young human to bear. For one heart to get shattered and for her to be unable to do anything about it.

And now she couldn't even say sorry. She couldn't even protect her best friend, she couldn't protect the woman she loved, she couldn't protect her friends.

She could save her lover, whom in the end hadn't really needed that much saving.

But she couldn't save her best friend and her little sister?

Why? She had to wonder.

Why was it Kenzi? Of all of them why was it Kenzi who had to die? Why was it the brightest, the youngest, the most hopeful and beautiful and fragile of them that had to be broken before she sacrificed herself?

Why couldn't things just have a happy ending for once in her goddamn life!

Her first time would forever be marked by the memories of Kyle and his death.

The first time she had made love with anyone had been marred in tragedy and miscommunication and wrongly executed well meaning.

A person she had fallen in love with had given up his love in order to save her from her birth mother, someone she had only seen a few brief glimpses of as Aife, as her sane self, as the woman who could have been her mother.

When she is finally, finally ready to settle down and to make a choice, to stick with her and love her, to finally give into the pull of something she had been resisting for so long it had fallen apart all to quickly.

But for every event except the first one she'd had Kenzi there to support her, to be her guide, to pull her out of depression and to push her back into living. But now? She had no one.

"I really need your help to get over your death Kenz… I need you here and with me and I just…" She whispered as she clutched the necklace close to her chest in a death grip, as the tears began to fall down her cheeks again.

"I need you so much and now I'm alone because I can't bring myself to face everyone without you. Kenzi…" She whispered to the necklace clutched against her chest. "I just wish I had been able to tell you how much I needed you and how special you were to me, how much I needed you in my life and now… I don't even know how to live without you anymore!"

The little human who had wormed her way into her heart without her meaning to, without her consent or her control. But so quickly she found it hard to remember what life was like without Kenzi, what it had been like before her best friend and her crazy wig obsession, love of alcohol, and messy ways, the constant eating, the constant banter and commentary.

She had forgotten what life was like without it, without her daily dose of Kenzi.

And now she suddenly found herself living in that world again. Living in a world that was so much darker without Kenzi and without everything that she had meant to her.

She glanced around her bedroom as she remembered all the times she and Kenzi had been in here, whether it was Kenzi coming to her because she thought Bo needed to be cheered up after whatever the latest relationship drama had been or Kenzi coming to her for comfort because of a nightmare.

She could feel one hand running over the material underneath her. How many nights had they gotten drunk in this room collapsing on her bed because they were to exhausted to move? How many times had Kenzi crawled into bed with her during the Dyson debacle and the Lauren debacles? How many nights had Kenzi simply crawled in with her because she needed another person who loved her nearby?

She glanced around the room suddenly feeling a need to get out, to go away, to be anywhere but here, anywhere but where the memories could assault her at any moment. Without thinking she took off running out of her bedroom and into the hallway and down the stairs, only to freeze when she caught sight of the living room.

There were to many memories in this place, far to many moments and memories she associated with this room. All of the horror movie marathons, yelling at Kenzi to clean up her dishes because she had left them out so long that they could have named them for all the different things they were growing.

All of those mornings that they had watched Jungle Jeeves or some stupid cartoon or kids show, all while she complained but really just how much she had enjoyed those moments with Kenzi, the simple feeling of having another person in her life who loved her so much and who she loved in return as if they were sisters, real sisters. The feelings of understanding and sisterhood that she had with Kenzi were ones that she could not find anywhere else.

Her eyes shifted slightly and she caught sight of Kenzi's old video-game and for a brief moment she laughed at the memories of trying to play against Kenzi in those games only to lose every single time. How she not so strangely complained about how it was her best friend when she and Lauren had become involved in their relationship and had rarely come out of her bedroom.

When she shifted her gaze to the left she could see the weapons chest that they kept on the first floor. Kenzi's beloved Geraldine sitting polished and sharped, ready to be used at a moments noticed.

But it would never be picked up again by it's owner's hands, it would never…

She needed to get out of here, she needed to escape from this house and from the memories that were assaulting her everywhere she turned.

Every corner of the Crack Shack contained some reminder of Kenzi and of the life that they had built here, two misfits and people on the run, who wouldn't be considered members of polite society. But despite that, despite this being an old run down building without walls they had managed to build a home here, a small family that had started with just them, but slowly ever so slowly it had started to grow.

Trick.

Dyson.

Lauren.

Tamsin

And of course Hale.

The little family that they had built for themselves, the one that wouldn't run and wouldn't give up on them.

But for her a huge part of it had crumbled the moment she had lost Kenzi.

She hadn't had to imagine life without her little sister in a long time, and she had never really pictured life without her.

She had known in the back of her mind that Kenzi's death was immanent. She was human after all, but to her it had been decades away, something that they could maybe have planned around in the end, something that they could have cheated and something that they could have fought against.

She never thought that she would lose Kenzi to anything but old age.

But here she was standing in an empty house filled only with old memories the memories of her best friend surrounding her.

And she couldn't even stay to face them she realized as her legs finally began to move again, pumping restlessly as she tried to flee her home, the one she had built with Kenzi at its heart and all the memories that surrounded it.

But when she reached the car all she could do was sit in the seat and sob, the darkness all around her the only witness to the grief and sadness that she bore, the burden of grief crushing her soul, freezing her in place with no buoy or hope.

Leaving her directionless in the middle of a desert with no map or stars to help her navigate back home because the person who had been her home was gone.

And she was never coming back. She realized as she gripped the steering wheel harder, sobbing. The misery and grief she was feeling escaping in the tears that she shed and the memories that haunted her without mercy.

She couldn't feel any warmth.

All she could feel was the cold. The cold in the air, the cold of the car. The cold of the fall night.

The cold in her heart and the cold in her home.

She could feel her head droop as exhaustion hit her for the first time in days she felt exhausted, tired and drained.

But she also felt something else.

Arms wrap around her and pull her into an embrace, a familiar scent hitting her nose as she buried her face in that person's neck.

Lauren.


	2. Chapter 2

She could feel the arms that were wrapped around her waist squeeze her tightly as she continued to sob into the warm skin of the neck in front of her.

She could feel one arm move up to rub up and down her back as her shoulders continued to shake at the force of her sobs. She could feel a gentle kiss being pressed to her temple before she felt Lauren pull away slightly, the hand on her back moving to cup her check, gently wiping the tears away with her thumb.

What was Lauren doing here? She wondered as she felt Lauren's thumb make another pass under her eyelid, wiping away the tears that continued to leak out of her eyes as her sobs began to turn into hiccups. She could see Lauren smile at her for a moment before she felt herself being tugged close again, her head coming to rest over Lauren's shoulder.

Allowing her to see the Crack Shack.

The building that would only ever be occupied by her again.

Her eyes flickered up automatically, excepting to see Kenzi's window light as it always had been.

But it was dark

Just like the rest of the house was.

Lost in darkness.

Without the warmth of someone else to allow the house to become a home.

It was hers and Kenzi's, that was how she had thought of it for so long.

But it would never been occupied again by a little raven-haired Russian best friend and little sister.

This was the house that she had been built up for two, it would only ever have one person in it again if Tamsin decided to move out.

Only her.

"Oh god." She chocked out as her eyes darted around the outside of the house, she quickly noticed the lack of light coming from the top window of Kenzi's room, a light that before now had always been her guide home after dark. She could feel the walls beginning to close in again, a chill running down her spin as she began to shake.

"Bo?" She could hear a voice in the distance

Her breathing was beginning to come in short gasps as it hit truly hit her what had happened and what it meant for her and for the rest of them. She could feel Lauren pull back from their embrace slightly, her hand coming to press against her cheeks, guiding her eyes to meet Lauren's as she pressed their foreheads together.

"Just breath with me Bo. Just breath with me okay?" All she could do was continue to breath harder, she felt like she was chocking as the pressure in her chest built up.

"Bo! Breath with me." She shock her heads berried to pull away from the embrace but she felt Lauren's arms only pull her closer, placing them chest-to-chest.

She could feel the slower rise of Lauren's chests against her own, and a quiet soothing voice whispering to her "Come on Bo, in through the nose and out through the mouth, just take deep slow breaths, just like mine okay? In and out. Nice and slowly." She could feel her breathing starting to slow as the overwhelming feeling of panic began to leave her, and slowly but surly she could feel her energy draining as the feelings of panic faded.

"Just like that Bo. Good." She heard Lauren coo in her ear as she matched Lauren's breathing with her own. She could feel her energy draining as she slumped against Lauren as she felt Lauren's arms wrap around her and pull her as close as she could with the console in between them. "Just like that honey. Just like that."

Honey… she wanted to laugh a little bit at Lauren's use of the term of endearment, it had been so long since she had heard it and so much longer since she had _wanted_ to hear it. But right now she could barely breath let alone laugh. And the use of the term also made her ache a little bit more at the reminder of Kenzi's nicknames for her.

She could almost hear Kenzi calling out, calling her wondersnatch or BoBo.

"H…Bo?" She heard a soft voice ask, interrupting her thoughts. "What are you doing out here at this time of night huh?" She heard Lauren coo in her ear as she began to stroke her hair lightly as she moved to cup her cheek.

"The thoughts… the memories. They all became to much and I just needed to get away for a while you know?" She murmured as she shrugged her shoulders, allowing herself to rest against Lauren's cheek. She allowed her hand to drift upwards, reaching out to grab Lauren's wrist and hold it in place against her cheek. "But when I got in here to try and drive somewhere else, somewhere I could stay and maybe finally get some sleep… the only thing I could do was start to cry again…" She could hear her voice crack as she spoke, a few sniffles escaping as the last of her tears escaped.

"Oh Bo…" She heard Lauren whisper as she leaned over and pressed a light kiss to her cheek. Despite herself Bo could feel a small smile crack her lips for a brief moment before she frowned again and leaned forward to bury her head in the crook of Lauren's neck. "What's going through that beautiful mind of yours huh?" She heard Lauren ask as fingers began to stroke her hair again.

What was going through her mind?

Kenzi… nothing but Kenzi.

She sniffled again as a thought absently drifted into her mind of when the last time she and Kenzi had hugged had been?

Hale's death.

When was the last time she and Kenzi had hung out without all the drama that seemed to follow them around, all the disasters they seemed to attract like magnets.

She couldn't remember…

And now they would never have the chance again would they?

The last time they had been about to watch horror movies had been marred in Hale's death, in fact many of their lasts were associated with Hale's death…

They had barely talked when she returned let alone hung out.

Everything had been about her and her love life… about Dyson and Lauren and about trying to find those missing memories.

And because of that they had been deprived of precious time. So much precious time lost because she hadn't even known that there wouldn't be a tomorrow, that for her and Kenzi there would only be a today and a yesterday, but never again a tomorrow.

She pulled away from the embrace slightly, not breaking the hold Lauren's arms had around her waist, and glanced back at the Crack Shack and all those memories that it held. She could hear another sniffle escape as she wiped away the stray tears on her cheeks before she turned to Lauren, who was looking at her with worry in her eyes

"I can't stay here Lauren… Not when every time I turn around she's there, haunting me and my memories, not of her"

"You don't have to Bo." She heard Lauren whisper, leaning over to press a kiss to her forehead briefly before she saw Lauren stand up.

For a brief moment she wondered if she would be left alone again, if Lauren was going to her duty done. But moments later she saw Lauren circling around to the other side of the Camaro before she pulled the door opened and reached her hand out.

Looking up Bo wondered for a second if she should take it before she felt Lauren intertwine their fingers and pull backward, pulling her up. "Where are we going Lauren?"

She could see Lauren look backwards at her as she paused for a moment before she continued walking, leading her towards a car she hadn't noticed before.

"My place if that okay?" Bo nodded, the exhaustion she had been feeling seeping out and she fell back into the seat. She automatically reached up and pulled the seatbelt towards her, pulling it towards the buckle.

* * *

"Come on Bo." She heard a voice whisper, a strong hand come to rest against her back. "We're here." She could feel Lauren's body press against hers momentarily before she heard the click of the seatbelt buckle being released before she felt an arm wrap around her shoulder and try to guide her out of the car.

She simply remained frozen in place.

"I would carry you if I could Bo, but as it is you're to big and to heavy so I can't lift you. So I need you to get up and walk Bo, you can lean on me as much as you want or need to, but you have to stand up okay? Can you do that for me Bo?" She could feel the arm wrapped around her shoulder move to intertwine her fingers' with Lauren's. She could feel Lauren squeeze their joined hands once before she felt a tug on them, Lauren trying to pull her up.

Obediently she shifted her body to that her legs were dangling out the side of the car, her feet touching the ground. But when she felt Lauren begin to pull her up she felt her legs buckle under her weight, causing her to flop back down onto the seat like a rag doll.

She was exhausted.

She was so tired, but the moment she tried to close her eyes the only thing she would see is Kenzi and her final moments, unable to reach her, held back by Dyson.

She felt so weak and so useless.

She was drained.

And she didn't have the strength or the courage to stand up.

"I can't Lauren…" She whispered.

In the dim light cast by the street lamps she could see Lauren bending down in front of her, the long shadow the dim light cast behind her becoming longer as she knelt on the concrete of the sidewalk in front of them. She could see Lauren rest their joined hands against her knees for a brief moment before she felt Lauren bring one of their joined hands up to her lips to kiss the back of Bo's.

"Then we'll stay here for as long as you need us to Bo." She heard Lauren say, the look of worry appearing in her large brown eyes once again. The long shadows the streetlights caused casting shadows across her face, but at the same time they highlighted her eyes. "Just take your time Bo, just take all the time that you need. I'm not going to leave you. Not like this and not at this time of night."

"So you would leave me if it was daytime?"

"Not even then Bo. We stay here for as long as we need too, as long as it takes for you to gather your courage. Even if that means we sit here for the rest of the night, then that's what we'll do." She could feel Lauren press another kiss to her knuckles before she pressed their joined hand against her chest.

"And when you feel like you can move again we're going to go upstairs and go to my apartment, you can take a shower if you feel like it or a bath, I have some pyjamas that should fit you. And then we're going to take a nap, you can have my bed and I'll take the couch if you want." She could hear the earnestness in Lauren's voice as she spoke.

But she could also hear something else in her voice, Lauren sounded exhausted.

How long had Lauren been up? How long had she been trying to track her down for? How long had she been with Evony before she came to find her and check on her?

Even in this dim light she could see the bags that had formed under Lauren's eyes, and despite the encouraging smile she was wearing, she could also see Lauren's body language and it screamed to her that she was fatigued.

Yet she was willing to stay out here with her, kneeling on the pavement, for as long as it took for her to recover and to find the strength to make her legs work again.

She still felt so weak.

She had never been the brave one between her and Kenzi, it had always been her best friend who had told her to stand up, who would drag her out of bed when she didn't feel like moving after whatever catastrophe her life had become that week. She could feel the tears starting to build up once again as she tried desperately to fight them down.

She missed Kenzi so much.

She missed her so much and she felt so incomplete without her, like there was this huge hollow gap inside her that only Kenzi could fill and it ached without her here.

And yet in front of her was Lauren, still kneeling on the pavement as she looked up at her, worry in her eyes. This was the woman who had dragged her out of her car and into Lauren's own when she had stopped crying.

This was Lauren filling Kenzi's role, but it was different at the same time.

Because this wasn't her best friend doing it, this was her girlfriend or whatever they were these days. If Kenzi had been the one doing this she would have poked her with something or threatened her with Geraldine, or threated to call Dyson to come and throw her out of bed. She would never have simply knelt patiently, waiting for as long as it took her.

"I miss her so much." She whispered as the tears began to run down her cheeks again.

"I know Bo, I know you do. But do you think this… no you just take your time right here and right now. We can have that conversation in the morning or the morning after." She could feel Lauren squeeze her hands again. "Right now it's the middle of the night and we're both tired, but if you can't stand-up then we stay here until you think you can."

God what was Lauren giving up in order to stay with her out here in the middle of the night? She glanced around a little bit; she could see that it was a good neighbourhood but still… Lauren shouldn't have to stay out here in the middle of the night.

"I'm sorry…" She whispered, her voice chocking on a sob as she spoke. She could feel Lauren moving, rising up and she disentangled their fingers before she felt Lauren's arms wrap around her, pulling her as close as she could at their awkward angle.

"Bo." She heard Lauren whisper into her ear. "There's nothing to apologize for. I want to be here and I want to help make you feel better."

Bo could feel a sob escape as she buried her face in Lauren's neck again, allowing the tears to escape for the second time that night.

"Bo…" She heard Lauren coo in her ear. "Let it out. Just let it out." She could hear the crack in Lauren's voice, as if she was trying to repress tears herself.

As she heard Lauren whisper those words in her ear she realized how much she had missed her, how much she had needed Lauren. And in that moment it hit her, just how much damages had caused to them and to their relationship. She realized just how much she had hurt Lauren, just how much she must have hurt Kenzi and Dyson and Tamsin because of how much she had been caught up in her own shit. "I'm sorry." She chocked out, her voice cracking halfway through.

"Bo?" She felt a hand come up to cup her cheek, the thumb slowly starting to wipe away to the tears that had started to fall down her cheeks again. When she looked down she could see the look of worry and of love in Lauren's eyes and she had to avert her gaze, she couldn't look at her, not like this.

Not after everything she had done, not after all the heartache and the heartbreak that she had caused everyone else.

So caught up in her own shit.

So worried about Rainer.

Ignored Kenzi.

Ignored her best friend and her sister, she wasted the precious little time that they'd had left together because she thought that there would be so much more to come.

She sometimes forgot that Kenzi had been human, that she had been the squishy little human who could be so easily hurt and so easily damaged. But she had hidden it so well, the sarcasm, the happiness, she had always put Bo before herself, always lending an ear when she needed one, always there for her no questions asked.

Kenzi had in so many ways been her everything.

God how was she supposed to live without her?

Without Kenzi there to be the level-headed one, to come up with crackpot schemes or to track down their latest client? The person who made her laugh when she was depressed and the person who could always put a smile on her face no matter how bad her day had been, no matter what happened.

She could feel another sob escape.

"Shhh. Just let it out Bo, just let it out." She could hear Lauren whisper against her ear and for a brief moment Bo allowed herself to revel in the comfort and security that the embrace brought to her as she leaned her cheek against Lauren's.

Something that she had not felt in so long.

She allowed herself to sag against Lauren, letting the blonde be the strong one for once, and allowing herself to simply feel the comfort of the embrace.

But all to soon it was broken when Lauren pulled back, shifting her weight so that she was kneeling in front of Bo on the pavement once again as she continued to sob.

"You know the first time that Kenzi and I really talked she threatened to kill me with a shovel if I hurt you? She said that some day in the future archaeologists would find my bone and know that someone whose name rhymed with Frenzy would have killed me?"

That sounded so like Kenzi, threatening Lauren not to break her heart as Dyson had.

She could practically picture the conversation, Kenzi approaching Lauren doing her best to try and be menacing, despite the fact she was just as human as the blonde doctor in front of her. She could see Kenzi perhaps reaching briefly for Geraldine, or at least glancing in the sword's direction.

It would have been a funny scene to witness.

Probably not for Lauren and probably not for Kenzi either at the time, but still…

She heard a laugh escape and for a brief moment she wondered who's laughter it had been.

Then she realized that it was her own.

Had it really been so long since she laughed that the sound was foreign to her own ears?

Or was it because she was laughing at a story involving Kenzi… involving a memory that she didn't have, but one that Lauren obviously did, and the fact that she was using it to try and comfort her.

She smiled slightly before another sob escape as she realized that she had never returned the favour for Kenzi and Hale. She had never threatened to hurt Hale if he hurt Kenzi.

Not that she would have been able to follow through on that promise.

She squeezed Lauren's hands as her thoughts began to wander back to Kenzi and Hale and all the time they had spent dancing around each other, all the time that they had wasted.

So much time.

So much energy.

For a dance that only ended in tragedy.

She could see it reflecting in her own love life.

But Kenzi had been there to pick up the pieces every single time; she had been there to help through every heartache and heartbreak.

She had been to caught up in her own selfishness to noticed until it was to late. She had never pushed Kenzi to be happy, instead allowing herself to come first in Kenzi's life, allowing her to put off the happiness that she so desperately deserved.

She could feel Lauren squeeze her hands again and when she looked up from her lap she could see Lauren looking at her, tears in her eyes and slowly dribbling down her cheeks as she spoke.

"We never got along all that well, in fact for a long time we hated each other. But we did understand something Bo, that you were the most important person in our lives, and that we would both do anything we could to make sure that you were happy and safe. This was Kenzi's way of making sure that you were safe."

"I know that Lauren! She was the most important thing in my life, and if I could go back…"She could hear another hiccup escape as her tears began to slow for the moment. "I would make sure that I was the one who closed the gate, made sure that I was the one who…" She could feel Lauren press a kiss to her forehead as she trailed off.

"I know you would Bo… I know you would do anything to make sure that none of us ever had to do what Kenzi did." She could feel Lauren press another kiss to her forehead before she could see Lauren kneel down in front of her again, reaching out to take both of her hands. "But the thing is Bo? You would have to get through all of us before we would let you sacrifice yourself to save us."

"No Lauren." Bo whispered. "I can't lose any of you, if I lost Dyson, or Tamsin, or Trick… I wouldn't survive." Bo took a breath as she looked down at Lauren, breaking the hold she had on one of Lauren's hands, she reached out to cup Lauren's cheek, forcing her to look upward. "But if I lost you… I would lose my soul Lauren… and I can't afford to lose anymore of myself. Kenzi already took my heart with her…"

"I'm your soul?" She heard Lauren whisper, the note of disbelief in her voice fierce as it cracked once again, the tears beginning to run down her cheeks.

Nodding her head she leaned down to capture Lauren's lips in a soft kiss. She could feel Lauren's wet cheeks against her own skin as their lips touched softly, caressing each other in a soft kiss. One not of lust and eroticism that so commonly filled their kisses.

This was one of love and one of reverence.

She could feel Lauren pull back from the kiss a few moments later before she felt Lauren stand up on her knees and press their foreheads together, her arms coming to wrap around her neck.

"How am I supposed to live without her?" Bo murmured as she leaned into Lauren, the tears in her eyes beginning to fall again. She could feel a pair of lips touch her nose for the briefest moments before she felt the caress of warm breath against her ear.

"I don't know Bo. I don't know." She heard Lauren breath against her ear as she pulled her closer, into a tight embrace.


	3. Chapter 3

"I've got you Bo." She heard Lauren whisper in her ear, the warmth breath caressing the skin there. She could feel the warmth of Lauren's cheek pressed against her own as well as the wetness of Lauren's warm tears against her own cheek, allowing them to intermingle.

"I…" She murmured as her grip on Lauren tightened, pulling Lauren closer to her if it was possible. She could feel the arms wrapped around her pulling her closer, a hand going to play with the hair in the nape of her neck.

She leaned into the soothing touch and allowed her forehead to shift in order to rest against Lauren's. She looked into the brown eyes of her lover. She could see those watery brown eyes staring back into her own, love and concern emanating from those huge brown orbs and into her own.

She closed her eyes for a moment as she allowed herself to take a shuddering breath as a few more tears leaked out of her eyes. She could feel one of the warm hands that had been resting against her hair, protectively cupping her head, as if Lauren was trying to shield her from the world.

She could feel that hand move from her hair, trailing down her cheek until it came to rest against her cheek. She could feel Lauren's thumb moving against her cheek in a slow and sweet caress, wiping her tears away slowly as they leaked out of her eyes.

Slowly she allowed her hands to drift from their place at Lauren's waist upward until she was able to use one of her hands to hold Lauren's cheek, cupping it and using her thumb to mirror the soothing motion of Lauren's own, sipping away the tears that she was not even sure Lauren realized she was crying. For a brief moment she could see Lauren's eyes flutter closed as she leaned into Bo's hand.

Bo couldn't help the smile that slipped onto her face as a hiccup escaped from her as her sobs began to slow. Gently she moved her hand from Lauren's cheek to the back of her head, allowing her hand to play with Lauren's hair. She felt another sniffle escape as she felt Lauren's thumb move against her cheek again.

How was it that this incredible woman could even look at her anymore after all that she has done to hurt her? How could she be so incredibly selfless as to stay here with her despite all the pain that she had caused the both of them? The amount of pain that she had caused without even realizing it?

If it weren't for Kenzi and that moment at Lauren's apartment then she wouldn't even have been able to look at Lauren when she came back. She couldn't have been able to even be in the same room with her without spitting out some sort of hateful words.

She never would have found the necklace.

Without Kenzi Tamsin could have turned out so much worsen then the actually happy woman she was now. How was Tamsin even doing? How was Dyson doing? How were any of them doing?

She sniffled again as she looked at Lauren again, the look of concern that had left her so briefly was back again. She could feel the hand cupping her cheek firm and warm against her own tear stained and ninth air chilled cheek.

Now that she was looking she could see Lauren tremble slightly as a breeze passed over them, the trees near the streetlights shaking in the breeze, the sounds of leaves rustling reaching her ears even through the car. She could see the small tremors reaching her frame as she shifted ever so slightly so that Lauren was the one taking the brunt of the breeze, shielding her from the cool night winds.

They needed to get inside. She knew that they shouldn't stay out here for to much longer, that Lauren must be freezing, as she was taking the brunt of the chilly winds, the first chills of fall no doubt following those winds closely.

But ache wasn't sure that she could move, that her legs would support her weight or if they would simply give out on her again. She felt helpless and useless, it was as if the weight of her memories were dragging her down, the ghosts that those memories brought with her haunting her, rendering her unable to move.

Or maybe she was simply weak.

Weak without Kenzi, weak without her support and in some ways her crutch. She allowed another sniffle to escape as she shifted her body her so slightly trying to make a little more room for Lauren in the car. But instead she could feel Lauren shifting back from her slightly, enough for her hand to slip in between them, her fingers moving upward on top of her shirt, leaving a trailing of fire and sparks on the skin underneath.

For a brief moment she felt Lauren's fingers, her touch feathery light and soft against her skin, trailing up her chest, up between her breasts, until she touched the necklace that she still wore, throne that still clung to her neck. The small pendant and it's chain that meant and symbolized so much more to both of them then words could describe. She could feel the pressure of Lauren's touch increase against her skin as she pressed on the pendant lightly.

_You're not alone. _

She allowed another sniffle to escape as she felt Lauren's fingers break contact with her skin, as she felt Lauren pull away from her, leaving only cold air where there had once been a protective shield. The warmth of another person and another body against her own, but for some reason Lauren had chosen to pull back. She could feel Lauren's warm hands envelop her own again, cupping them for a brief moment before she intertwined their fingers, the fingers warm against her own.

She could feel Lauren's eyes boring into her own, warm brown eyes shinning brightly with unshed tears. She felt her heart clench as she watched Lauren blink back her own tears and swallowing her own grief in order to try and comfort her.

For the first time she could see Lauren's red rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks flushed red, although it was from the cold or from crying she did not know. She could see those dark brown eyes highlighted against her cheeks by the shadows cast from the streetlights, the only source of light on this dark street, in this even darker night starless and moonless night.

She could see Lauren shift forward as she once again began to kneel down for a brief moment before she saw Lauren rock backward, fluid and graceful in her movement. Despite herself she could feel a smile creeping onto her lips for a brief moment before she frowned again.

For a brief moment she blinked and she could have sworn that instead of Lauren in front of her it was Kenzi, smiling at her, but when she blinked again she saw Lauren standing before her, still bent over slightly so that she could maintain eye contact with her. She could see Lauren take a step backward, bringing her arms closer to her chest, causing her own to be extended as she Lauren took another step backward.

"I'm not sure if I can Lauren." Bo murmured as she felt herself being dragged forward by the surprising strength of the woman in front of her.

She allowed a small hiccup to escape as she looked up at Lauren. She could feel the pressure easing against her shoulders as she saw Lauren take a step towards her. And for a single brief moment she wondered if Lauren would simply drop her hands and walk away.

But instead she saw Lauren lean down and smile at her slightly, bending forward to press a kiss to her forehead. She glanced up at Lauren as confusion ran through her mind at the contradictory actions of the blonde.

Taking a breath Bo shifted herself forward in her seat and allowed herself to begin to shift her weight forward. She could feel Lauren taking a few steps backward as she began to stand. She could feel her legs starting to buckle as they bore her weight once again as exhaustion hit her like a tidal wave.

For a moment she felt Lauren release her hands and she had to wonder what was happening as the cool night air hit her sweaty palms where only moments before there had been warmth. But a few seconds later she felt two arms wrap around her waist and pull her towards a warm lithe body, familiar shapes and curves fitting so well against her own.

"I've got you Bo. I've got you." She heard Lauren whisper in her ear. She let out a mumble against Lauren's neck as she hid her face for a brief moment before she cast her gaze towards the apartment building that Lauren now lived in. As she cast her gaze over the rows of glass windows she couldn't help but let out a small sigh of relief when she wasn't assailed by memories of Kenzi, of half thoughts, and of expectations that would never again be fulfilled.

This place was new. It didn't have any memories for her, it held no particular connection to Kenzi, to her room, to the lights that should have been visible outside but never were. She let out a content murmur as she allowed her face to fall against Lauren's shoulder her eyes beginning to feel heavy, the weight of the days of crying, half-consciousness, sleepless nights and nightmares hit her.

"How long have you been awake Bo?" She heard Lauren murmur in her ear. Bo shrugged silently as she lifted her head off of Lauren's shoulder before a small yawn escaped from her mouth. She mumbled slightly again as she lent against Lauren more heavily.

She honestly wasn't sure how long she had been awake, she knew that she had been crying on and off for days, had it been days? She couldn't…

She could feel her eyes widen slightly when she realized that she had not idea what day it was. She had been so caught up in her grief that she hadn't even really noticed how many days had passed.

She could feel another yawn escape as she leaned against Lauren more heavily. She hadn't slept in days, at least not properly. She had been in and out of nightmares when she tried to sleep, always watching Kenzi's final moments.

Watching her walk towards the portal.

Feeling the pressure around her abdomen as Dyson held her back, stopping her from running after Kenzi.

Always the same dream.

And when she woke up she would stumble around the Crack Shack in a haze, sometimes she would see or hear things that would trigger her, sending her into another crying fit.

"Couldn't sleep." Bo finally spoke as her voice cracked slightly, the exhaustion plain even to her own ears. "Nightmares. Always the same thing. Always watching Kenzi die, always being held back by Dyson. Or worse. Sometimes I fall asleep and then I get caught up in memories and I think that what happened was a dream."

She took a breath as she felt Lauren stop for a moment before she felt her other arm wrap around her waist.

"Bo?" She heard Lauren whisper as she felt the pressure against her eyes start to build again. Taking a breath she tried to calm herself down, she had already cried so much, so many times in the past few days.

She was tired of feeling so weak and so helpless, so consumed by her grief that she could barely function.

But she didn't know how to pull herself out of her grief without Kenzi. She didn't know how to function anymore without her sister by her side because she had forgotten what life was like without her.

So now she had to relearn that.

She needed to learn how to live without Kenzi.

How to actually _live._

Not just _survive_ like she had done for her 10 years on the run.

She actually had to learn how to live, how to be a functional person without her best friend and roommate, her little sister, to fall back on.

God. How was she supposed to survive?

"Bo?" She heard a gentle voice prompt again. Pulling her out of her thoughts and out of her own head. "Where do you keep drifting off to Bo?"

"How are you doing?" Suddenly came tumbling out of her mouth.

For a moment all she could hear was silence, the quiet dead of night, a few cars passing by in the distance, the sounds of trees rustling in the wind as the cool fall breeze blew past them again. She felt Lauren turn them so that she was the one taking the brunt of the wind as she felt the arms wrapped around her waist tighten their grip.

"Lauren?" Bo murmured again a few moments later. But still she got no response. All she could hear was a slight quickening in Lauren's breathing, the small puffs of warm air against her cheek as Lauren held her close.

"I think that's the first time you've ever asked me that Bo." She heard Lauren murmur against her ear. "I honestly think that is the first time you've _ever_ asked me how I was doing, aside from Nadia." She heard Lauren whisper.

She could feel Lauren shifting until she could feel the warm press of lips against her forehead. "I'm not going to lie and say I'm fine Bo because I'm not, I miss Kenzi and I'm grieving her loss. I miss her sarcastic remarks and sense of humour." She could hear Lauren chuckle lightly for a brief moment. "I even miss the pop culture references that I don't always understand."

Bo chuckled slightly for a moment before she frowned as she felt the tears begin to resurface as more memories began to break to the surface. "Hey." She heard Lauren whisper as she felt a hand on her cheek for a brief moment before she felt the warm press of lips against her skin there.

"I'm also worried about you though Bo, I've never seen you like this before. And it worries me that you can't even stay in the Crack Shack." Bo sighed as she leaned more into Lauren.

"Can we go inside Lo? Please?" Bo whispered as she felt her eyes began to close on her. She could feel Lauren pull away from her slightly, the warmth that her body had been providing fading away, being replaced once again with the cold night air. She could feel the arm that was around her waist tighten it's grip as another kiss was pressed to her forehead.

"Let's get you up to my apartment okay?" She heard Lauren murmur as she began to walk forward an arm around her waist, guiding her forward and taking some of her weight.

She allowed her gaze to shift towards the open doors of the apartment building and for a brief moment she could have sworn she saw a flash of black hair out of the corner of her eye. She closed her eyes for a brief moment.

"Yeah." Bo murmured pausing for a moment. "Thank-you Lauren."

She could feel Lauren stop walking, causing her to stop intern. For a tiny splice of time she had to wonder what Lauren was thinking about, but then she felt lips being pressed to the side of her head before a moment later she heard a voice against her ear, little more then a breath, nearly lost in the breeze that hit them once again.

"Never thank me for loving you Bo. Never thank me for loving you."


	4. Chapter 4

Her eyes remained closed as she rested her forehead against Lauren's shoulder, taking a few deep breaths as she tried to calm herself down.

"We're here, Bo." She heard Lauren murmur. "C'mon."

Sighing she blinked open her eyes and glanced around the ornate elevator, the mirrors that ran around the back reflecting a face back at her that she barely recognized as her own. She looked gaunt and pale, her eyes red-rimmed and her cheeks splotchy and puffed out.

She closed her eyes and let out a small murmur when she felt the arm around her waist squeeze it lightly. "We'll be there soon Bo, just a little bit longer."

"Thank-you Lauren, for everything." The only response she got was a the press of lips to her temple before Lauren she felt Lauren pull away and reach down and grab her hand, squeezing it. She could hear the ding of the elevator as they arrived on Lauren's floor.

Lifting her head off of Lauren's shoulder proved more difficult then it should have as the world spun around her for a brief moment causing her to close her eyes and stumble ever so slightly. She could feel a steadying hand wrap around her waist pulling her against the familiar contours of the body in front of her.

"Bo?!"

"M'fine."

"When was the last time that you had something to drink Bo?" The only thing she could do was shrug as she realized just how thirsty she had become. She could vaguely remember grabbing a glass of water at some point during her wanderings around the Crack Shack, but it had been today or the day before she couldn't remember, it all blended together in one hazy series of events.

She could feel Lauren's chest rise and fall against her own lightly in a sigh before Lauren spoke again. "Are you feeling okay now?"

Nodding her head she opened her eyes again, she could still feel the ground beneath her swaying slightly but it wasn't as bad as it had been a few moments earlier. She could feel the arm around her waist let go, and immediately she missed the warmth of Lauren's body pressed against her own.

"Just a little further okay?" Shrugging slightly the only thing Bo could do was step out of the elevator and take in the nicely decorated hallway of the building they were in.

For a little while they just walked down the hallway until they reached the door to one of the apartment's

"It seems nice here." She noticed as she felt Lauren lead her into the entranceway. The floor was a deep mahogany, the walls painted with a light touch and from what little she could see some of the familiar artwork from Lauren's old place had made the transition here.

Actually if she really looked around it didn't seem to be all that different from Lauren's old condo. Really the only difference seemed to be the colour scheme, everything was shades of brown or black here where everything at the old condo had been white, light, almost airy in a way.

That old place had held so many memories for them, for her and Lauren it had been the place where they had ended. For her it also contained a few memories of Kenzi and of the ways she had treated her, and of some of the more hilarious misadventures they had gotten into as well.

But here, she couldn't help a small smile…

There were no memories here. There may be familiar pieces of furniture, there may be similar decorations and wall paintings but this place, the walls and the floors of these rooms held no memories, no whispers of her and Kenzi infused into them. Here the walls hadn't heard them talking for nights on end about everything and anything that she could think of.

These walls hadn't born witness to the first real and true fight that she and Kenzi had ever had, and one of the worst moments in their time together, they hadn't born witness to any of that, capturing whispers of them in their walls.

For that she would be forever grateful.

"Hmm?" She could see Lauren turn around to look at her, as she pulled off her shoes and placed them on the nearby rack. "You can just leave you're shoes by the door."

"Thanks. You're new place is nice."

"It is. I like it here a lot."

"You seem happy, happier then I've ever seen you."

"When did you become Ms. Observant?"

"Hey…" Was all she could mumble. For a single moment they had fallen back into their old patterns, the easiness of being around Lauren, and the banter that seemed to come with it.

It wasn't the same kind of banter that she had shared with Kenzi, this one had always had a flirtatious undertone to it and probably always would. Her and Lauren… well they had never been friends, not in the way that normal friends would be friends at least.  
She could only sigh as she reached down to unzip her boots. Kenzi was the only person who wasn't related to her with whom she had just been friends. Although that word really was… it couldn't really even begin to describe how she felt.

"Bo?"

"Huh?" She mumbled as she jerked her head up from where it had been focused on her boot. Quickly she finished pulling the zipper down before she brought the other foot up so that she could do the same. "Sorry I just…"

She could see Lauren shake her head and smile at her slightly. "Do you want that shower now?"

She could only nod as realization crept up on her just how dirty she had been feeling. When had the last time that she had even taken a shower been?

"My bedrooms the first door on the left, the bathroom's the second door, you know the same place it was in my quarters?" Bo could only nod. "Everything's where it normally would have been in my old bathroom."

She couldn't help the small smile that crept onto her lips at that statement. "Some things never change do they?"

"You know me and my soap." She could only shake her head and laugh slightly at that joke, it had been something she learned the first time that she had ever stayed overnight at Lauren's place. The good doctor had a section of the cabinet under her sink devoted only to soap; it had been something she had teased Lauren about relentlessly.

"I do Lauren. And thank-you for all of this."

She could see Lauren smile up at her warmly before she felt a warm hand envelope her own and squeeze it lightly. "You don't have to keep thanking me Bo. I l- care about you so much."

She could feel Lauren squeeze her hand again before she lightly shoed her in the direction of her bedroom. "Go take a shower. I'll bring you a towel and leave some pyjamas for you while you're in the bathroom okay?"

* * *

She could feel the steam that had filled the bathroom when she stepped out from under the warm spray of the shower.

She felt a little better then she had in the last few days, cleaner certainly. She couldn't even remember the last time that she had taken the shower.

She couldn't help but chuckle a little to herself, she knew that Kenzi would probably have teased her about this, probably about how much she would have smelled. She had to shake her head and force herself to take a breath, she couldn't cry every time she thought of Kenzi, every single thing that reminded Bo of her.

If she could never let go even a little bit she would become a mess, a complete and utter mess.

But at the same time…

She couldn't help the small sniffle that escaped and the few tears that began to leak from her eyes at the thought of letting go of Kenzi. It would mean loosing those memories, the small things that had made such a difference to them and their friendship.

It would mean forgetting about Kenzi…

And she wasn't ready to let go of her yet, of her memories or her voice, of everything that they had shared.

She couldn't let her go yet, not until after…

She brought a hand up to wipe away the tears that had leaked from her eyes and bushed them away.

She was overcome by a wave of exhaustion that reminded her just how much she had done to her own body in her grief and just how much her body craved sleep.

She wrapped her arms around herself as she took a few steps towards the door. She cursed herself for telling Lauren to just leave the clothing and the towel in her bedroom.

She reached out to grab the doorknob, warmed from the heat of the shower and the steam of the bathroom and turned the nob pushing the door open slightly. She cursed herself again when she shivered as she came into contact with the comparatively cold air of the bedroom.

She quickly dashed over to the bed and grabbed the towel, quickly wrapping it around her body as she shivered again. She shivered again as she forced herself to remove the towel from where she had wrapped it tightly around her body. She closed her eyes and forced herself to begin to dry off, swiping the towel up and down her body in order to capture all of the water drops that had clung to her body.

She could see a few faint lines that covered her body, the few scars that she had carried because of her injuries, even after she had healed herself, sometimes the marks hadn't completely faded. She knew that most of these marks were from the fights that she had gotten herself into when she and Kenzi had been working as private investigators.

Each of those lines showed a place where she most likely owed Kenzi her life because she had been the one to call someone to help her come and heal, she had been the one who had helped her get home.

She squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself to shut those memories away, to shove them into a little box where they would only stay for a little while before they came back to haunt her. She forced herself to breath and to fight back the tears that had welled up when the memories had come forward.

She had to learn how to exist without Kenzi, how to exist without their lives being so intertwined that she had forgotten how to live without her in her life. She needed to force herself to keep moving forward because if she stopped she would take off and run again, she would probably do something that would get herself injured or worse.

Breath.

She reminded herself as she opened her eyes, taking a shuddering breath that she seemed shaky even to her own ears.

Just breath.

You sound like a Grey's Anatomy song. Her inner voice piped in, sounding far to much like Kenzi for her own good.

Shaking slightly she allowed the towel to drop from where it had been wrapped around her body, she could hear the muffled thud of the towel, heavy with moisture, hitting the carpeted ground next to her feet. She couldn't help but smile a little bit when she noticed the clothing that Lauren had left on the beige bedspread for her.

"So that's where it went." She couldn't help but chuckle when she picked up the over-sized long-sleeved, threadbare grey shirt with Yale stamped across the front in cracked and faded letters. It had been her favourite shirt to steal from Lauren when they had been lounging around her quarters when she had stayed overnight there.

Eventually it had migrated back to the Crack Shack, she had stolen it because it was comfortable and it had smelled like Lauren, although sometimes it would migrate back to Lauren's place to be washed and worn before it was stolen again. It had been a strange thing between them because it had also been Lauren's favourite shirt to wear when she was just lounging around her quarters.

She had wondered where it had migrated after she and Lauren had broken up. She hadn't been able to find it no matter how much she had scavenged around her dresser and her closet and she'd had it only a few days before hand.

Lauren must have taken it back.

Although she had to question why of all things she had taken back her shirt despite the fact she still had a myriad of Lauren's clothes in her closet.

Lauren must also still have some of her clothes as well.

Maybe that was where her blue cotton shirts had ended up.

Lauren had liked wearing it…

She reached out and pulled the shirt over her head. The familiar feeling of the warn fabric against her skin was a welcome familiarity to her. She could pick up a vague scent coming from the shirt and it was nice and familiar, something that reminded her a little bit like home.

Lauren…

Reaching over she grabbed the pants that were also sitting on the bed, she couldn't help another smile when she saw it was her other piece of clothing that had been left on the bed, a pair of red and black stripped pyjama pants.

They had been the only thing that had fit her when she'd had to put on a pair of pants for some reason that she couldn't even remember now.

She couldn't help but laugh slightly because they had been the other piece of clothing that she had stolen from Lauren.

She slipped them on and sighed in a small amount of contentment when she felt the feeling of the familiar outfit against her skin.

Maybe if she closed her eyes she could pretend that she was back in better times for a little while, before everything had gone south with Lauren and when Kenzi had been alive, times that had been so much better then the present that she was living in right now. But she knew that the moment she opened her eyes reality would come crashing back down, the fact that she was dressed in clothing to sleep in when she knew that with Lauren she would have slept naked just as she would have at home.

They had rarely worn clothing to bed and when they had she was never this covered, preferring to wear a negligee of something of that nature. But here she was alone in an unfamiliar bedroom in an unfamiliar place, the only thing that was familiar here was Lauren, whom would be taking over the couch for the night.

She should probably go and tell Lauren that the shower was free in case she wanted to take one, she had no idea if her guest bathroom had one but even if it did she would probably want her own shower.

Just as she was about to approach the door she heard something that sounded vaguely like Lauren's voice calling something out, followed shortly afterwards by the faintest sounds of knocking. Against her better judgement she reached out and grabbed the cool metal of the door knob. Slowly she turned the knob to the door and twisted, pulling it back as quietly as she could.

Gently she let the knob go when she had pulled the firmly shut door away from the frame enough for her to peak out into the hallway and for her to listen to the faint conversation that she could hear going on between Lauren and another familiar voice. She shifted ever so slightly to try and catch a glimpse of the person who was at the door when she caught sight of a familiar head of curly brown hair.

Dyson.

What was he doing here at this time of night?

She tried to glance over at the dim glow of red that was coming from Lauren's nightstand but the numbers only blurred together when she tried to read them. She gripped the door and suppressed a groan when the world swayed again.

She closed her eyes and forced herself to take a deep breath, straining her ears until she finally caught the conversation between the two of them.

"Go away Dyson." She heard Lauren mumble, she could hear her trying to keep her voice as low as she could, causing Bo to have to strain in order to hear what was being said.

"Why? Can't I wait here until she wakes up?" Dyson sounded exhausted but there was a firmness to his voice as if he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Not right now Dyson. Right now she needs to sleep and I need to get some as well because something tells me I'm in for a long night."

"She's having nightmares? Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you tell me that she was this bad?"

"Because Dyson when I found her it was the middle of the night. I found Bo in the Camaro at one o'clock in the morning crying so hard that she couldn't even see me and she could barely hear me. The only reason that I got her attention was because I pulled her into my arms."

"After I coaxed her into my car I spent another hour outside trying to coax her in here. She couldn't stand up Dyson. She just couldn't stand."

"Why didn't you call me? I could have…"

"Carried her? I know. I told her that I would have carried her if I could have, but she needed to stand up on her own. She needed to get up and to face those demons on her own. But I have a question. Why did nobody think to check up on her? Why did you think that letting her go home alone was a good idea?"

"I needed to find Tamsin. She needs to be taken care of as well. She's the one who had to bring Kenzi's soul to Valhalla, and you know that she reincarnated right?"

Bo could hear a momentary pause in their conversation.

"Well Kenzi raised her."

"So when Bo lost her best friend and her sister…"

"Tamsin lost the closest thing she has to a mother. And I knew that you would be able to take care of her. I though when she broke down and started to cry afterwards in that hall that that would be it. That she would snap out of it or become driven to find Kenzi or to find answers. I didn't think…"

"You didn't think she would become near catatonic with grief? That she wouldn't be able to sleep?"

"Tamsin's no better."

"Then go Dyson and take care of Tamsin because you're all she has left right now, although maybe for Bo seeing Tamsin would be a good thing. I don't know. That's something she needs to decide for herself when she if ready but right now she needs sleep because I don't know the last time she slept even was. "

She could hear Dyson sigh before there was the clicking sound of the door closing. Glancing around Lauren's bedroom all she could do was lean against the doorframe as she slowly slid down to the ground, her head coming to rest against her knees.

Had she really been so caught up in her own grief that she had even forgotten about Tamsin?

She snorted slightly before she allowed her head to fall forward into her knees again, one of her hands twisting the leg of her pyjama pants in her fist. How much had gone on around her while she had been caught up in her bubble of grief?

They were supposed to be family…

Oh no.

No.

No.

Nooo.

Kenzi's family. She may have talked about her mother with so much hate and anger but she still had aunts and uncles, cousins whom she had loved every much, and friends outside of her…

She still needed to…

How was she even supposed to begin to…

There was still so much that she had to do about all of this, but she had been so caught up in…

"Oh god."

Funeral…

Grave…

No body…

How was she even supposed to…

How?

Where?

"Uhhnnn." Was the only sound she could make as she buried her head in her knees.

She didn't even know where to begin or how to begin.

There was no body, so…

But how…?

"Bo? What are you doing still awake?" She heard a voice mumble before she felt hands gripping her wrists and gently pulling her own away from where they had become tangled in her hair. "Bo?"

"I have to plan a funeral." It was such a simple sentence but held so much more weight then she could ever hope to describe.

She and Kenzi had never talked about what they wanted for funerals, they had never even talked about either of their morality.

It had been something that she had been aware of, but something she had chosen to ignore because it had been to painful to think of, a life without Kenzi had been unthinkable. But now…

It was the same question that she had been turning over and over in her head for days, how was she supposed to live without the Kenziest Kenzi ever?

Up until that point, up until the moment that Kenzi had sacrifice herself she had never even thought

"Bo?"

"I also have to tell Kenzi's family that she's dead." Another simple statement that was so hard for her to hear, despite the fact that she knew she would have to do it. She had to…

She was the only one who could do it…

"Bo? You need to get some sleep."

All she could do was shrug slightly before she bent her head back down and pressed it against her knees. She allowed her grip on her knees to tighten and her eyes to close shut tightly.

She was so tired. She was just so tired.

All she wanted to do was sleep, to actually get some unbroken sleep, without nightmares and without those other haunting dreams.

How was she supposed to carry on like this?

This state where she could barely sleep, let alone eat and where if she tried to drink all she would do is try to drown her sorrows.

Although maybe at this point that would be a good thing to try.

She let a small sniffle escape as she pressed her forehead against her knees, all she wanted was this pain to end, this horrible emotional pain.

But she couldn't…

And she wasn't the only one who had to be suffering.

Dyson…

Tamsin…

Lauren…

Vex, Trick…

So many people and this all was so much bigger then her but all she could do was focus on herself and her grief. She sniffled again and pressed her forehead against her knees.

She was so selfish…

Who had she become?

Who was she without Kenzi by her side?

Identity wrapped up in another person, god she was pathetic.

She was a creature of passion, she was not meant to be alone, but at the same time she was never meant to have people around her the way she did. She'd had a sister, maybe two if she wanted to look at Tamsin that way.

She had a grandfather who loved her.

She had two people who each loved her in their own way and who she loved so much in turn. But lately she had sucked at showing it.

I chose you and you broke my heart?  
It was pathetic that she had said that to Lauren, that she had shoved that in her face at the worst possible time. She had been so focused on herself and on her issues, on her life and what had gone wrong with her.

Me.

Me.

Me.

Everyone around her had changed in some way in their own way.

Kenzi…

She had to smile at how much her best friend had grown up, at how strong and brave she had become, at how much older she had seemed when she had gotten back.

Kenzi had become this amazing and wonderful young woman; she had grown so much since she had met her. She had matured so much since they had met for the first time that night.

Kenzi had grown so much…

And she had missed it all.

Dyson, the person who had visited earlier was different from the person he had been the last time they had really interacted.

She didn't know where to put her finger on it but he had become different…

Nicer maybe?

Although who was she to say given that all she had ever done was interact with Rainer…

She sniffed again when she realized just how much time that had meant spent away from Kenzi towards the end, just how much she had ignored her and taken her for granted. Normally when she had been with Lauren or Dyson she had always made time for her bestie and for the time that they needed together to decompress from whatever had happened to them that particular day. She had always made time for Kenzi and because of that and because they had worked together she had never been alone.

Now…

She was alone all over again.

She could hear a small sigh before she heard retreating footsteps, the door to the bedroom closing behind the person as they left.  
Lauren…

She had maybe changed the most of all.

She couldn't help the small smile that crept onto her face at the changes she had noticed in Lauren. She had become she braver and in a way so much stronger, although she had already been the strongest person that Bo had ever met.

She could only really watch in awe at the amount of shit that Lauren had overcome.

She was different now, but in a good way. She actually stood up for herself now and she could actually save herself and save others.

She was brave, so much braver then she could ever be.

Even Tamsin had changed in her own way. She was still the same as ever but now she was… well happy, and it seemed to make the world of a difference when it came to dealing with her. She could only smile slightly at the memories she had of Tamsin and Kenzi interacting, there was nothing but happiness and love in that bond.

And where was she in all of this?

Stupid and selfish. Definitely selfish, more so then she had ever been in her life and that was saying a lot considering how selfish she could become at times.

Oh and immature.

Me.

Me.

Me.

Yep definitely immature.

She had actually gone backwards! Everything she had been doing and the way she had been acting. When had she forgotten what it was like to care about people and to put them first?

It had taken Hale's death to realize that she had been putting Kenzi last.

The most important person in her life had come last in it.

That was a mistake that she had already made with Lauren, a huge blundering mistake that she had only realized far to late, moments before she had lost her.

Kenzi had been different though, she hadn't walked away despite the fact that she probably should have, despite the fact that she was toxic to everyone around her, or at least she had been lately. Especially when it involved Rainer.

She was so afraid of losing the people in her life that she had actually been alienating them through her own actions!

She had lost one of the few good things in her life, her relationship with Lauren and the foundation that it had been built on.

That one had crumbled because she couldn't be bothered with the upkeep that a relationship required, something that she knew because she had almost done the same thing with Kyle, at least before she had…

This was one giant cluster fuck and she had no way out of it, no place to even start navigating her way out.

There was no Kenzi with a light at the end of the tunnel.

Just her and the tangled mess of shit that she had gotten herself into through no ones fault but her own. God her entire life was a huge tangled mess. And yet she was supposed to plan a funeral, she had to call Kenzi's family and tell them…

What?

That their niece/cousin/daughter/surrogate sister had died sacrificing herself in order to save the world from a giant monster by stepping into a portal to Hell?

No one would ever believe that.

Missing presumed dead sounded a little better, at least it gave them some small sliver of hope that she might come… back… one… day.

Could she…?

Did she even have a right to try?

"Oh god…" She wanted to so bad. The idea of living without Kenzi was like trying to live without air for her but still, there was no way for the dead to come back to life.

She would fight like hell for Kenzi if she could but there was no way to bring back the dead, not really, not when Bo had witnessed her soul being taken by a Valkyrie to Valhalla. There was no coming back from that.

So now she just needed to figure out how to survive without air.

Maybe the Helskor?

She shook her head and sniffled again as she buried her face in her knees trying desperately to fight back the tears that were starting to well up again.

"I can't…" Was all she could whisper to herself as she forced herself to take breaths and try to calm-down.

"Yes Bo you can and you will." She felt something warm drape over her shoulders before she felt a pair of hands sliding between her arms and her body.

"Honey you need to sleep."

"All I'll do is toss and turn Lauren. It's all I ever do when I don't have nightmares. And when I do sleep it's always memories or those same final moments over and over again." All she could hear was Lauren sigh in her ear before she felt the press of lips against her cheek.

"Can you stand up for me Bo?" All she did in response was shake her head and press them further into her knees.

"Bo…"

Couldn't Lauren see that right now she wanted to be left alone? That she needed a little time alone?

"Just leave me alone Lauren. Please just leave me alone." She tried.

She was exhausted, she was just so exhausted of everything and of all of this. Maybe she should have just stayed in the Crack Shack, maybe that would have been for the best instead of running away like a coward.

She couldn't hear any signs of movement, any signs that Lauren was going to leave her alone here with her grief, alone where she wouldn't be able to hurt her anymore.

"Lauren just leave please. I don't… Please just go."

"That is bullshit and we both know it Bo." Looking up Bo simply stared at Lauren for a moment before she buried her face in her knees again for a moment. She could only shake her head and sigh using her hand to grab the blanket that had been draped over her shoulder and pulling it around her more closely.

She heard Lauren let out a frustrated sigh before she heard a slight creaking of the floor and the dull thud of something dropping down onto the carpet. She could feel arms wrap around her, the pressure of the hands that have come to rest against her shoulders. She could feel the pressure of another body against her own, Lauren's chest resting against her knees.

Letting out a small annoyed sound the only thing she could do was curl herself into a smaller ball, but the only thing she felt Lauren do was pull her a little closer.

She wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, her knees pressed up against her chest as if they could protect her from the world and all the responsibility that she had in it, as if it could protect her from the feelings she knew would come crashing down on her when the anger faded. She could hear Lauren sigh before she spoke again.

"Why are you so angry all of a sudden?"

The only thing she could do was shrug helplessly as the tears began to well up again. "Maybe because all of this is my fault? Because I was so wrapped up in my own shit that. I didn't notice anything that was going on around me?"

She could feel the first sob escape as she shook her head and pressed it further into her knees. "Maybe because while everyone around me was changing, was growing I get worse? I slid backwards? Because while everyone else was trying to be there for me all I could do was pushed me away because I was to caught up in my own problems to notice much of anything?"

"The way I've treated you and Dyson, it's horrible. The way I treated you and everyone around me was horrible. How I forgot about Kenzi in favour of somebody I barely knew? Who I thought. I was in love with when I know what love is and that was anything but?"  
The entire time she ranted and spilled out everything that had been bothering her, all the apologies that she made and everything else that had come out she stayed silent.

"Lauren?" She finally asked when her tears began to slow down.

"I love you and I'm yours, you may not be mine, you may not ever be mine, but I am yours and I will always be yours. You're it for me whether I like it or not you have my heart and no matter how much I try I can't find the courage to ask you to give it back to me. So I'm here and I will always be here."

"It's your necklace that I wear Lauren. Even I can figure our what giving me a necklace means to you." She whispered her voice raw from crying and exhaustion.

She lifted her head from where it had been pressed against her knees all of this time,allowing her to look into Lauren's tear stained eyes for the first time.

She hadn't even realized that Lauren had started to cry.

Slowly she brought her hands up from where they had been wrapped around her knees and wrapped them around Lauren's shoulders, pulling her as close as she could. She felt the arms wrapped around her return the pressure of the hug.

For a little while they stayed that way, Bo simply content to hold Lauren close.

She could feel a yawn coming on as she realized just how heavy her eyes had become.

"Lauren?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you let go of me? I think I'm ready to try and get some sleep."

"Okay." She heard Lauren whisper as she pulled away.

Slowly she forced her body out of the position that she had held it in for who knows how long. She groaned, her muscles stiff as she stood, her legs trembling as she took the few steps it took to cross the room towards the familiar King sized bed. Quietly she pulled back the covers and lie down pulling the warm and heavy blankets up over herself.

"I'll be in the living room if you need me okay?" She heard Lauren murmur as she saw her hand flick over to close the table lamp that she only had just noticed for the first time.

"Goodnight." She heard Lauren whisper as she was leaving the room.  
Without even thinking about it she reached out to capture Lauren's wrist, wrapping her hand around it, she could feel Lauren stop and turn around, her eyes only barely visible in the darkness of the room. She could see the question in Lauren's eyes, the confusion over her actions now and the way that she had been acting earlier in the evening.

The only thing she could do in turn was tug lightly on Lauren's wrist, a plea for her to stay with her. She could see only a momentary hesitation in Lauren's eyes before she turned around, those brown eyes that she was so familiar with. She could see exhaustion and exasperation in them but she could also see some other emotions that were more familiar to her.

She could feel Lauren's hand slip out of her grip, trailing along her wrist until Lauren caught her fingers for a brief moment, offering a squeeze before she pulled away. She could feel the covers wrapped around her being pulled back slowly.

Quickly realizing what was about to happen Bo scooted backward until she was in the centre of the bed, a little closer to the side that she used to call her own then the left-hand side which had been Lauren's. She could feel the cool air of the room invade the warm space between her and the blankets only to be replaced moments later by the heat of another body pressed against her own.

She tried to scoot back a little further in order to put some space between them and she felt Lauren allow it.

Turning on her side so that she could face Lauren she looked at her, only to see Lauren in a position that mirrored her own, her head resting against the edge of the pillow a small space between them but one that she dare not try and traverse. She wanted to reach out and try to pull Lauren against her, similar to how they used to fall asleep but she couldn't be sure that it would be welcomed. So instead she simply lay there, her eyes open in the darkness and inspire of the need to sleep that she felt pulling at the edges of her consciousness.

But then she felt a hand reach out for hers, the one that wasn't pinned under the pillow she was using for the night. She could feel Lauren's fingers intertwine with hers, pressing a warm palm against hers, squeezing it before she brought it to rest in between them.

She could see Lauren smile at her slightly before her eyes began to drift closed, her body and mind finally unable to resist the pull of sleep any longer. The last thing she felt was the hand holding hers squeeze it again.


End file.
